Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT