Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.