Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
And then there were 4
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.