@Turn2Dude

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

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@joeyfullystated

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

@GianDoh

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@Nrvous1

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”