Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
boat question
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year