*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I was just discussing this with my cat
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.