Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household