Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.