Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Oh hi lol
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”