Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.


I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”


-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”


I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe


Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.


“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”


Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.


When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.


[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married