eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
When I said I liked it rough.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
That’s incredible! 👌
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope