We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?