*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Breaking news:
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.