Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot