[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj