eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.