@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

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@The1WhosCrazy

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@littlekitnerboy

If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@DannyZuker

“I did not expect to encounter so many snakes when I booked this flight!” #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

@treydayway

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”