Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
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Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.