Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
You Might Also Like
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My first child will be named New Folder.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money