*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.
Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?