Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You Might Also Like
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?