@mommymemeoirs

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

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@SamTR7

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

@Browtweaten

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@copymama

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@tweetsvisual

Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.

Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@ObscureGent

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?