Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.