Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.