[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so