*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Wait, let me explain..”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
mood
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Donkey Kong sommelier
My birthstone is a marshmallow
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice