*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Every damn time
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness