*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet


if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot


Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.


an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.


My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.


Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.


If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.


“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*