eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You Might Also Like
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature