*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.


1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.


ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?


I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet


ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…


i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30


That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.