@JohnnyCrash5

*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

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@ThisOneSayz

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

@dance_blessed

1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.

@truegritrumble

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

@ronnui_

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@KyleMcDowell86

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

@YourMomsucksTho

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.