I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
nyc:
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”