*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.