Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.