ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Seems a bit forward
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My work here is don’t.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.