*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.