Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut