EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.


I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.


Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this


GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”


I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?



Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*


If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.


(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?


They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.