@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

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@ems

I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.

@LerbsyCherbs

I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

@lottie_fly_x

Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*

@bytaylorcox

If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.

@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.