Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
best review i’ve ever seen
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here