Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
first you must answer his riddles
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?