*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I have so many questions.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?