@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

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@smedlee

“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”

@sonictyrant

Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t

@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@KeetPotato

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

@Swishergirl24

No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@RuthDavidsonMSP

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@Donna_McCoy

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

@VibesBummer

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.