*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.