@ValeeGrrl
@kelkatcox Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
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@kelkatcox 
@LizHackett “Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
@hipstermermaid Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@ericsshadow Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
@robfee Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
@ChillGates69 In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
@rickygervais Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
@OhHiAlyPie *bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
EVERYONE NAP
@ThugRaccoons Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
@cravin4 I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.