@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

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@kelkatcox

Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@hipstermermaid

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@ChillGates69

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

@rickygervais

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

@OhHiAlyPie

*bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
EVERYONE NAP

@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@cravin4

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.