“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?
Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.