*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.


At Home Depot

Me: *Tells associate a dumb joke*

Him: That’s funny! You should be in comedy!

Me: I actually do standup!

Him: …I was just being nice…


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.


Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.


*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*


Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts