@radtoria

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

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@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@ArfMeasures

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

@Lisabug74

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

@Browtweaten

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning