*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.


I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.


ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.


Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum


Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.


My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant


therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning