@radtoria
@SardonicTart
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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@SardonicTart
@WritePlay
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
@_NinJar
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
@AbbyHasIssues
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
@BSdumbjokes
At Home Depot
Me: *Tells associate a dumb joke*
Him: That’s funny! You should be in comedy!
Me: I actually do standup!
Him: …I was just being nice…
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
@stephenjmolloy
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
@ChiChiGreenblat
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
@HeyoShellz
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
@fart
Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts