@Marlebean

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

@trevso_electric

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@pondermymaker

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

@RaineyKnight666

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@AndyAsAdjective

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

@tastefactory

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

@Cpin42

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible