*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.