*eats one piece of lettuce*

checks for abs

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[me, leaving a funeral]
That was fantastic. Let’s do this again sometime.


Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice


The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.


[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please


[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha


Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.


Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.


After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.