We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You Might Also Like
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.