There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach