I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.