@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

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@bakedbrotatoes

How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:

@Blondiethegood

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

@bornmiserable

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

@Donna_McCoy

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

@Xoolun

When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

@INDlAN_

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.