How to walk up the down escalator:
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
*swells with pride*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.