*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

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How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:


There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.


I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.


Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?


When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.


Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.


*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*


Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.