I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Guantanamo Bae
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.