Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads