For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.