@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist

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@pensnparchment

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog

@sofarrsogud

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@xLiserx

Rambo: First Blood (1982)- After the onset of his first period, Rambo struggles with the emotional roller coaster of becoming a woman.

@Contwixt

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

@ObscureGent

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”