@mattewe02

ed scissorhands should’ve fell asleep on elm street, he would’ve straightened shit out

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@ArfMeasures

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

@PhilJamesson

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming

@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@kieransofar

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

@Cheeseboy22

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

@SleazySli

I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

@riot4rach

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s