Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance