Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”