@SauceLord_Bob
@blade_funner Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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@blade_funner 
@DurtMcHurtt She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
@ArfMeasures DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
@GingerHotDish [During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
@KentWGraham If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
@thedadonline Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
@LizHackett THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
@DCpierson MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
@UncleDuke1969 Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!