Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Brain: Trust me
“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”