@SauceLord_Bob

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

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@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@TheTweetOfGod

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

@aliterative

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

@hunz74

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

@NathanBgood

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

@mic22ken

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

@ianpauldukes

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

@_steamy_mac

Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.