@SauceLord_Bob

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@thedadonline

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

@LizHackett

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!