I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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Stop sending me this shit.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise