I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.