edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
drew a comic about my origin story
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?