edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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me irl
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
m’lady
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The options really are this bad
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.